It’s been a long time since I last wrote about clichés… After Fashion and Beauty, I wanted to write about something we all experience when we’re out shopping in Beirut. The Lebanese sales people/ force/ person. individual…. and their typical behavior and clichés. Please click, have a good laugh, read, relate, share, … and no offense!
- Nothing is EVER expensive, YOU are cheap, cheap, cheap! NYAK so cheap you skunk. How can you not afford a $2000 pair of shoes? How can you even say it? It’s like such a random bargain buy, your wallet won’t even move? How? Huh?
- EVERYTHING and ANYTHING and WHATEVER you try on, suits you! You are apple shaped, pear shaped, triangular, obese, anorexic, … you all absolutely look stunning in those J Brand size 36 leather skinny ankle cut low waist jeans! “3anjad Madame, raw3a”
- They scan you from head to toe when you enter the store and then decide how they’re going to talk to you! How do you pass the test? Hook on an “H”, a “CC” here and a bit more there, flower yourself with some “D&G” prints on your back, hat, or scarf (which no longer is in existence by the way), trash your fingers with stacks and stacks of tacky jewelry, make sure you have just come back from “Tony ZouZou Francessco Salon” and you have been drenched in Elnett, hold your latest smart phone, and walk in…
- THE bag you want is NEVER available for clients like you, because obviously they know how to read your bank account and judge whether you are capable of buying it or not. And in case they decide to make an exception to show you one tiny bag stored in the back back back stock room that actually is the door to neighboring Cyprus, then you gotta makeup your mind at that right minute or else Madame I have no clue who has promised to come and buy it. Oh I miss Europe when you and the Russian heiress who just walked in a minute after you with her chauffeur driven Bentley waiting outside stand exactly the same chance (actually you stand in more chances) of purchasing the exact same bag. Because even if you walk in your latest PJs, salespeople there can not read your bank account!!
- …and if they ever let you put your name on waiting list, which miraculously happens because they are high, and they call you, you have to decide at the same freaking second on the phone if you’re going to buy the 5000 dollars handbag. Walaw shou fiya?
- You wear a size 38? It does NOT matter, you still have to try on the 42, because they can decide at that right second how the cut feels like, big, small, petite, maternity, one size fits y’all !! “Ktir lebe2llik Madame”
- After sales service? What exactly does the term mean? Sorry, this has not made part of the Fash-Yclopedia here. We sell and never look back or else, “badna ntalfen lal manager Madame, ouhouwe el Manager hala2 ma3 el Manager taba3o, yalle hala2 3am bi talle2 ou a3ed bi Milan mdaprass!!” Really you thought I cared when my $3000 leather handbag, which is every dollar I have saved since the age of 1, is falling apart?
- The Shadowing? Ever watched Tom & Jerry? This is the case. Playing Tom & Jerry. You are like “Thank you I don’t need help!” but they still insist to follow you around, you know; I have thought about it because the probability of stealing and running away with one side of a shoe that is not even your size, is very common. – Thank you Yasmina for sharing this thought!!
- Sales? They call. I don’t want to be mean. They do announce there is a sales, making you feel all special! But when is it that they call? Five freaking minutes before the sales start or ends, and you are most likely wearing your shower cap. That is not enough, but they stash them at the end of the store in a really tiny corner, where bending over like you are playing a game of Twister is a guarantee, “la2anno Madame hayda mish new collection”.
- Talking about the new collection? Seasons come, seasons go, seasons change, leaves fall, Santa lands, St. Patrick take off, and every damn thing you touch is part of the new collection. So what is old? And what can I make a bargain on? And she hands you that one piece of tiny old crap that’s been eaten by dust!
- Designer collaborations? Yes. They exist. We have them! We have designer collaborations… however they are reserved for the gifted few. Since when did designer collaborations be eligible ONLY for the VIP clients of the store? Seriously? All over the world, they show you pictures of shopaholics queuing in the night before and camping in front of the store, and only in Beirut do you see sales people and shopaholics who arrive freshly to the store at the exact opening time, not to sweat, not to ruin their hair, because you know they are all VIP after all. And then they leave you to walk in after 12, reminiscing over their left overs or a shredded sweater.